I Made You a Beard

Sweet idea, glorifying facial hair with yarn.  Isn’t it?  I suppose we bearded men (and women) should be flattered.  I, however, am torn. 

I should begin by disclosing that my fiancée wears a knit handlebar moustache on her purse in the way a high school cheerleader wears a pin printed with the football captain’s face on her letter jacket. Certainly I appreciate appreciation for my choice of cheek and chin adornment.   And these are lovely works from an Etsy artist, works which I’d no longer have to covet were one of them among my collection of beard regalia.  But do I have a greater responsibility to the beards of my forefathers (and mothers)?  Am I belittling historic efforts to solidify as valid an individual’s choice to grow out their follicles against the wishes of a naked-faced society?  I would like to remind us all that a beard is not a toy.

 Beards create strong emotion, as we see in Gustave Flaubert lamenting the passing of his beard as well as the passing of his youth, as published in The Letters of Gustave Flaubert: 1830-1857.  He writes to his mother after shaving his face smooth, “…my poor beard, bathed in the Nile, blown by desert winds, long perfumed by tobacco smoke!“

Beards meant power to the Egyptians.  Queen Hatshepsut wore a glorious fake beard made of gold to show her might way back in 1500 BC.

 

Simply put, I believe we must breathe some historical perspective in to modern whisker frivolity to see that beards are serious business.  If you own a fake one, respect your purchased powers.  To follow are some guidelines for dignified false-whisker wearing we like to follow here at Milwaukee, Whiskers.

• Do not frolic or dillydally while wearing a falsie. 
• Nod appropriately to bearded fellows you meet; never wink unless you are directing amorous intentions towards the winkee.
• Greet fellow beards, real or otherwise, without causing a kerfuffle.  Appropriate greetings include: 1) a knowing twist of your moustache between your thumb and forefinger 2) thoughtfully stroking your bearded cheek or chin while making brief eye contact.
• Never loan your beard to a stranger.

I thank you for your cooperation.  And to he artists of these fine false beards and moustaches, please keep them coming.  As long as the wearers follow a few simple rules, we are honored to see these beard replicas.  Those who are about to be bearded salute you, as do I.